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"HIV Has Me" - Infectious Affection: Jeromy's Love Story

   Who would have thought that the perfect Jeromy, would see his own downfall? Was I too inexperienced?      People say the bigger they are, the harder they fall and I was a cocky little motherfuc***. I was in my prime; college educated, handsome, and an amazing body! I had men eating out of the palm of my greedy little hands. I would walk into a room and say nothing. In this materialistic world, you are only as good as your poker face. But I had walls. The poker face, looks and body were just weapons to protect myself from the sad little boy who wanted to be loved. I had never been in love, so I didn’t know just how mentally disturbing love could be. If anything, I always had the perfect iron defense of logic. Love has a way of cutting out the rational parts of your brain.     It's late summer and early fall at the University of Memphis. I met this guy. Not going to lie, he was really handsome. He was 5'8, hazel eyes, fair skin and a DAMN Scorpio! The connection was intense! Of course, I, led with my intellect and made conversation. He was gazing at me deep. I felt his appetite for me. He wanted me right then. Of course I resisted him, he was touching me too much! But why was is so erotic. I lost my cool!! We ended up having sex in his car. But I made sure to have him begging for what ever he wanted. Anything easily obtained doesn’t hold much value, right? He pretty much, that night, made is very clear he wanted to be with me. However, its far too soon to be trying to say such foolish things. I considered him just a one-night stand but that one-night stand became a confusing two-year long situationship.During these two years, we had a love hate relationship. He moved to ATL. We loved being around each other but hated the distance. He would come visit me a couple times in the year. It was great but when he left, I became really insecure. I felt like he would come over for a few hours, we have sex, and he is back to ATL. WHY AM I THE LAST PERSON YOU FUC*** SEE IN MEMPHIS YOU SON OF A BIT**. I remember one time I had a whole breakfast plan for us in the morning, and he just up and LEFT without telling me! Yet, he wonders why I grew distant and never made us official?! His actions were telling me different than his words.But I still had a soft spot for him. I was so beautiful and inexperienced. You ever felt like people only wanted you for selfish reasons? Ever felt free but stuck? He made me feel DESIRED! But also TIRED.  I had it with him! For the third time I told him to not contact me! I broke it off with him several times. He was just no good but I was so addicted. I had control, but then would lose my leverage every time he tells me is back in town. YES! I WAS ONE OF THOSE WEAK MINDED PEOPLE I DISPISE!  What is it about the bad guys that means us no good? Maybe I secretly enjoyed the excitement, the fights, the passion…. BUT AT WHAT COST? I'M SICK. As I write this blog I am able to reflect. I think I loved him or was I just too comfortable?I dated around during those 2 years. I never made it official with any guy honestly. I just always felt like they wanted me for selfish reasons. Gay men are all for lust and not for love. I think he liked me but I think my actions made him feel replaceable. Maybe he felt insecure about me as well. I’m not a monster to the point where I can’t admit my wrong. My ego, insecurities, and ignorance played a role as well. All I wanted was the TRUTH. I would ask him of he was dating anyone in ATL. He would reply with "No, I’m there to work and better myself". My intuition told me that he is full of sh**. We went from Heaven to Earth really fast. HOWEVER…next stop… HELL!   Now its time for the moment everyone has been waiting to read.... Tragedy, Lies, MURDER. Well I was homicidal but I decided not to kill him. It was late October; his birthday was within the last few days of October. He came to Memphis to visit family and I. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year. I was going through a tough financial time due to an ex room mate deciding to leave out the blue and leaving me to recover by working double shifts at FedEx. I was starving and barely paying off debt. When he surprised me with a visit, I was happy to see a familiar face. I remembered when I saw him.. he was much thinner. I thought it was due to him working so much. Previously, before I told him to come over I told him NO SEX! We both agreed and I allowed him to come over. The connection was amazing as usual. I was mentally exhausted and I simply wanted to embrace him. We started kissing and had sex three times that day. It was UNPROTECTED! This was the first time in two years we had unprotected sex. We didn't plan on sex, so no condoms were purchased. He left that night. I remember thinking to myself "We had unprotected sex, what if he has HIV?”….. Then I thought… naw, he isn’t doing anything and if he did, he would wear condoms.  We tried to keep the spark going but like always, I ended it because something told me to leave him alone. 2 weeks after our encounter, I get EXTREMELY SICK! I couldn’t stand, my body was in intense pain, and my throat was severely swollen. I pushed through the pain because I had to work. The pain got so severe, I had to be on bed rest for 4 days. With my FedEx insurance, I went to the hospital to see what was wrong. I got blood work done and I received antibiotics. My results came back, nothing was found in my blood. The antibiotic worked perfectly well and I was back to good health. The only thing I suffered was severe WEIGHT LOST. During the next 3 months, I was great and happy. February 17, 2016 was when I decided to get my std check up. All I remember is her looking at me cautiously saying......."its reactive.". My heart stopped. But I kept my composure. She told me she was going to send it off to the labs. Two weeks had passed and I received a call to go to Planned Parenthood on March 1, 2016.It was gray and raining that day. I decided to walk. The rain was perfect for concealing my tears as I cried for an hour. I knew it was judgment day. I fooled myself into thinking it was just some error. Something told me that there was no mistake and I had to accept my fate. I went to the office and I sign the papers to prepare for secondary measures. I signed up for free Healthcare and contacted HIM! When I broke the news to him, he started crying and told me he was sorry. I was compassionate and showed mercy to him. I couldn’t be selfish enough to take this moment away from him. I had to be strong for the both of us.      This part of the story, we explore the content of the phone call we both shared on that night I told him he was HIV positive. Previously, when I found out on February 17, that I was reactive to HIV and texted him and asked him…. "When was the last time you got checked for stds." He replied "Last month" I replied " Oh well Cool". I was in denial that he did, so I just assumed that I got it from someone else. But after time passed I realized that he was the only person I had unprotected sex with. I realized that I got sick just weeks after our encounter. I REALIZED THAT HE LIED. Later on in March, I managed to get the courage to press the issue and finalled messaged him this… Me: When did you get tested because it was not last month. Him: It has been a while, What’s up? Me: You gave me something and you know what it is! At this moment, he starts to apologize and says sorry. I called him on the phone and he was crying. In his sadness, the truth is revealed. [Notice how he assumes its HIV without me telling me. There are 8 stds to chose from, but anyways…-eyeroll-]He say's: "Over the last few years I been having sex with the same people" I didn't Cum inside you, how you get it?" I replied, "You get it from pre cum as well" He replies "I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE RESEARCH"! HOLD THE PRESSES. DO RESEARCH FOR WHAT? IF YOU DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD IT, WHY SAY THAT? IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE RIGHT? YOU HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE INFECTED RIGHT? DONT TELL ME YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH ME THINKING BECAUSE THERE WAS NO SEMEN EXCHANGE THAT THE VIRUS WOULDN'T BE TRANSMITTED, YOU IDIOT!!!!  Let’s do some mental calculations. 1. He confessed to having multiple sexual partners. Which he told me he didn’t have. 2.He gives me an std, but knew which one it was without me saying it. 3. The whole "I should have done more research" comment….hmmm… Ladies and gentleman I believe I was SET UP!        A year and a half later, I’m taking my meds, looking like a snack, and still have mental issues and semi depression but still productive. I refuse to look weak! I got me a new place, new mood and I decided to contact him. I was in a good place and wanted to make sure he was doing good too. I called him. He was very happy to talk to me. As we chop it up, he tells me… "I’m off and on with my meds, I still can’t believe it" (Its been over a year, please take your meds and get your body back to normal so you can’t infect anyone. The meds are for suppression of the virus, killing off majority of the virus, making transmission extremely rare. In fact, there are no cases shown of anyone being transmitted the virus, while taking their meds properly. Extreme suppression of the virus is called UNDETECTABLE. It takes less then three months. Why doesn’t he just take his meds and call it a day?) Anyways, we talk it over and I go back to my life. He calls me days later asking can he visit me. I had no problem so I invited him in. LONG STORY SHORT HE COMES OVER AND TRIES TO HAVE SEX WITH. HE GREETS ME WITH A TIGHT HUG AND STARTS KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS TRYING TO RIP MY PANTS OFF. HE WAS SWEATING LIKE CRAZY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? HE HAD TO LEAVE!!! I AM DONE WITH HIM FOR GOOD. HOW DARE HE PULL A STUNT LIKE THAT! DID I MENTION HE HAD A BOYFRIEND?!         Currently, I taking a vow of no sex until I’m in love. Love is hard when all most guys want is sex. Where is the true connection? My HIV has never been a problem because HIV is not a problem anymore. I take my meds so I’m not contagious, I can have children and my kids and mother not get the virus. My body functions normal. I still carry emotional trauma, so I’m very careful with people who try to use me for my looks. I’m very open with my status and I try to encourage people be careful of the company you keep. My life is a hot mess and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean…life is a movie, so go for the Oscar. I Don’t Have HIV, HIV Has Me! Jeromy's IG: Mega_villianFacebook: Jeromy Clear Email: clearjeromy@gmail.com

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