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My Father Never Told Me He Loved Me.


My father never told me he loved me and it's shaped how I look at love, communication, and relationships a lot. Validation is a key part in what can establish our confidence in a situation, our position with another, and/or even how we see ourselves. However, it can also be painfully misleading. The value and reliance on verbal validation is dangerous. You sell yourself short in so many ways because this world is seemingly ran on lies and false perceptions. Someone can tell you anything; and don't let that "someone" be a person you truly care for??!! Don't be under the "lovespell" !!!.... GOODNESS, in that condition you're liable to believe anything!

Follow me...

Back in my early days of college there was a guy that I talked to for a little second. We were never together cause honestly, he didn't want to be with me. Now here I am, young, naïve, and just happy to have a half way decent looking guy that actually texts me back in less than 2 hours. He was an athlete, so I guess getting girls on campus wasn't an issue. But in spite of all that, he would pick me up, take me on casual dates when he could and treated me quite nice. I was never really sure, at this point, if he genuinely liked me or just wanted to have sex with me. He mentioned sex ALOT, even while on dates. When I would go to his apartment, he would always make an attempt.

Now I'm much different now than I was THEN. I knew what he wanted in the back of my head, but I pushed it away cause I loved the feeling of having someone want me, even if it were solely for the wrong reasons. He knew I wasn't easy to give it up, so it was always a constant no. I wanted something real; to at least be his girlfriend! I didn't think that was much to ask. He wasn't willing to make me that.

Now one thing that hasn't changed about me from then until now is my attitude in the midst of emotional desperation. I REFUSE to beg for anything. Especially for a dude to be with me. I was supportive of his athletics, would help him with his school work (he wasn't the smartest in the books), and on the days he felt like his performance was off, I made it my duty to pick him up emotionally in any way that I could. I would use comedy on his bad days to make him feel better by telling him if sports don't work out, he could be a male stripper. I'd be his manager; dress him up as a field slave, and have him strip for old white ladies. (I think he actually considered that as his backup option lol) But anyway, him not wanting me seriously was only a result of him desiring to be single and sleep around with whoever he pleased, me included. I honestly was everything he needed.

As time passed, he kept me around less often and anytime he talked to me is was an "I'm horny you should come over.." kinda text. Disgusted me. He knew I was naive and really liked him and decided to take his efforts to the next level. He said, "Candace, I love you. Show me how much you love me"....

Now pause. This dude barely texted me back at this point, but I was slowly going for it. Being told that I was loved by someone I wanted so bad was a hard bliss to shake. Over the course of the next few weeks he started getting frustrated with me. He wanted the "I love yous" to equate to immediate sex. I wanted him to show me how much he loved me so if I did give myself to him, it wouldn't be in vain or I wouldn't feel stupid (Despite the fact that he would only text me if he wanted something and he would only want me over or around his friends unless he was projecting that he was having a sexual relationship with me) I wanted to FEEL loved and not have it just be some words he spewed out in some text messages. However the pressure was on me. He would make me feel loved if I had sex with him. 

I almost fell. He was going through a tough time financially... and who's there?! Me... of course. His lights were out at his apartment and his car wasn't drivable. It's also the middle of winter and it got dark and cold really early. So I went to pick him up when I got off work and cooked him dinner to ease his mind of all the stuff he was going through financially.

Like many times before, he's dropping a collection of "I love yous", "you're beautifuls", and "you're amazings"... which was nice to hear but I couldn't help but to think, if you really loved me, you'd have taken the opportunity to do right by me before. Eh? 
His kept his phone down constantly cause it help vibrating from all the calls and texts he was getting from his convenient hoes that lived on campus. Go figure huh? (I had an apartment off campus so many people at my school didn't know me) As I knew would happen, he tried to have sex with me that night he stayed at my house. It didn't happen. My spirit and body wouldn't allow it. That common sense tugged hard at my brain to allow me to finally process and accept that that's ALL he wanted. I knew I was in competition with others, and I also knew he didn't love me the way he proclaimed. #Game101 #AlmostGotCaughtUp #ButGod Obviously when I didn't have sex with him, I simply just fell asleep disappointed at his actions and the results of myself investing into someone that confirmed he only wanted me for physical reasons. While I was sleep this same night, he proceeded to try to have sex with my roommate and best friend in the next room right under my nose. (talk about a horny, dumb idiot)

She sent me the texts the next morning and I kicked him out of my house. We never spoke again. He didn't even care enough about me to contact me and apologize for his actions. The same person that claimed that I was their soulmate and that they loved me, didn't even care to ever talk to me again and felt JUSTIFIED for attempting to have sex with my roommate because I wouldn't do it.

His response: "If you loved me, then this wouldn't be a problem. You'd just trust me and we can have sex and be happy and I wouldn't have to stray"

Now I have myself to blame as well. There were literally 1 million n 1 signs that he was playing games, tryna mess with my head, and using my innocence as a way to get what he wanted. I always knew. But I didn't want to process and believe it, because I loved the feeling of someone wanting me. I loved the feeling so much that I allowed some measly words to almost lead me astray because I was placing my security in his words and a girlfriend title and not in his ACTIONS. 
I'm happy to say, I've definitely grown and matured since then. I recognize love and I can successfully spot game from 5 light years away. 

Here's the thing... words are in fact powerful however ACTIONS are the validations. Someone can tell you ANYTHING. This isn't just a message for women, but this is also for men to love yourselves enough to require MORE. There are some people out there who don't value you in the least bit, but will tell you they love you to get something out of you and to ease up that guard. There are some real conniving masters of words and language who can influence your feelings with just a few sentences to make you feel good, especially if they KNOW it makes you feel good. 

Pay attention to people's ACTIONS. When you start carefully observing what people do vs what they say, you'll recognize the trend. The ones that tell you they love you or miss you the most are the ones who normally don't and/or they throw out those words to any and everyone. The ones who aren't so lose and flexible with those phrases are the ones that will show you before they tell you. Those people are the jewels. The rare ones. There are some exceptional individuals in my life who have never dropped the big 3 (I Love you) but they've showed me countless times how much they loved me. It's incredible.

That's when I had to realize, my foundation instilled that in me all along. I lived in a house where you had to have confidence. No one was gonna tell you that you're great. Being great was the expectation. My father has guided me and supported me in too many ways to count. He's been nothing less than an exceptional parent that's instilled so much into us. He's probably the most emotionless person I know, but when you call him, he's there.... immediately. His guidance, leadership, and love for his family is unquestionable. My father's dedication, love for my mother and his family is the kind of love I pray everyday to have for my own family if that's in Gods will. My father never told me he loved me, he showed me...

-PimpfriedRice  

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