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The Sacrifice :(


Chasing a career has been the premises of my twenties. I have a few more years of the hardcore chase as I slowly start to invest in everything. It's been difficult. Who the heck just up and moves to Los Angeles alone in the hopes that it'll all fall together, the money will flow, and the opportunities will present itself. Lets just say, I had my grape seed of faith clutched in my right palm. That faith has been equipping me in every step as I move and gain understanding. Things have been a rollercoaster to say the least. Being homeless, broke, lonely, some days so defeated, I couldn't even cry cause success was the vision, but my reality was/is survival. It was too painful for me to even express in certain moment. I've battled things privately that most people couldn't imagine going through, but with great friends and a lot of prayer and meditation, I've persevered.

It's still an uphill battle for me. Everyday isn't perfect. Just recently I had my car towed and wallet stolen within 15 minutes of each other (talk about taking L's, I'm a master to it) In the midst of it all, I get stronger and learn to take everything that comes with the "grind". I've learned to be incredibly resourceful, faith driven, and a master of holding back tears daily. It's all worked for my good. I'm grateful. I'm a hard worker. I'm strong.

What I must say is, because of my passions, my creative spirit and my drive; more than likely, my career won't take off until my later twenties, early thirties. I'm currently laying the foundation; Taking classes, starting businesses, developing myself, and putting all the little money I have back into myself and the pursuit of visions. It's a slow process when you don't have the financial backing and you value yourself too much to go sleep with someone for some opportunities like a large percentage of the women "hustling" LA LA Land. I don't have a Hollywood family name backing me. I don't have all the money to shell into all the classes I want to take to develop myself, I don't have the connections momentarily simply because I spend most of my time working, so going out to network is tough for me, ONLY at the moment. But I do have an incredible sense of self and the vision.

It's hard cause most days I have to encourage myself. I say a prayer, envision everything I desire, every runway I want to walk one day, every stage I want to perform on, and every major movie/television set that will be my home in a few years. I know it will all come, but at a painful sacrifice.

Love has been hard for me. I have such a high expectation for people. I wish it could be like the movies; it never is. I want some man to come pick me up off my feet, take away all my stresses, carry me away, and I live this amazing life of stress-free stardom, financial freedom, and the baring of beautiful children. I dream it. But it won't be so...

The painful reality it: good men my age are already married or have found the women they desire to marry. A lot of men cannot handle a woman they love having a career in entertainment. Also having children has had to be shifted out of the timeline for me unfortunately. I want nothing more than to be a mother, but the type of mother I desire to be will not match with the dreams I have fashioned for myself and a thriving career as well. I want Lil' Jimmy... (Lil' Jimmy is my unborn son/or daughter lol) to be well-rounded. I want to carefully educate him in the arts, linguistics, and culturally from his entrance to this world until some half-qualified teacher can take over. I want to play with my children, talk to them, read to them, cook healthy meals for them, teach them all the random knowledge I posses, showcase humanitarianism and hand craft them into beautiful individuals who will be thriving leaders of this society.

Basically, I don't want a nanny raising my children. If I can't raise them and be a wonderful wife and mother, then I want no part of that lifestyle.

That is, in part the individual I am. If I can't do something the right way, I don't want to do it at all. If I can't be in a city where I can chase my dreams and passions fully, if I don't invest entirely in myself, if I'm not becoming better and more skilled in my craft; I don't want to do it at all. I dedicate 130% of myself to something I truly want. I truly want to be a mother. However, I won't do it unless I can dedicate myself entirely. I can't be a wife that's there all the time because of what my schedule will be like. My husband (if I ever get one of those) will probably cheat... and I probably won't know anything about it. It'll probably suck.

Forget everything that new-aged feminism tells you, being a mother and a wife are very honoring positions. Is it all you should aspire to be? Maybe not. But if it is... that's great! Why?

Because ultimately you are contributing to the divine cycle of this world. You have a being that comes from you that you can literally groom to become outstanding members of the next generation. There's nothing more beautiful than a love a mother has for her child. It's the basis of the love God has for us.

Moreover in marriage, you have a bond that's based on, hopefully, honest commitment. You have a person that believes in you, a best friend, a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on at all times. You have someone to grow with. Best yet, you have someone who genuinely loves you and supports you. Love and support SHOULD go hand in hand. You have a confidant. A partner in this life. That's a incredible... a PARTNER to live LIFE with... that's a dope concept to someone like myself who spends majority of their time alone.

Nonetheless, love and children are nothing but blessings. Blessings, money, fame, and power can take the place of.

I've learned that that sacrifice may be real for me. It may very well be my younger brother giving my parents grandchildren before I can. And I gotta be real, I ain't poppin out children in my 30s. Who tryna SnapBack from pregnancy at 33?! Not me hunny... This body WILL be in tact.

But let me play with y'all kids though lol... I'll be the rich auntie with a half drunk bottle of Cognac at the festivities.


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